i can feel the high down to my fingertips
so unhealthy yet so good
im floating on cloud 9
6:01 PM 8/9/2012
second week of vacay. been doing nothing but gym-pool-food.
sunburnt. ow. not fun.
this break though? so relaxing. love it.
just kind of getting bored is all. but none to fear. i’m gonna start painting soon!
6:02 PM 8/9/2012
6:16 PM 7/28/2012
wow. im reading through all of these posts from just a few months ago and i honestly forgot how rough those times were. some of the content is just heartbreaking. i want to reach back and give that lonely, sad girl a hug. why was she so unhappy? why did she hate herself so much? she’s got so much to live for so much potential so much so much
im at a personal high right now. noel’s birthday was just yesterday and we had the most amazing time. that was probably the best night/day ever for this whole year so far. i’m so happy. i loved it and i love my friends.
it was amazing.
6:19 PM 7/28/2012
6:24 PM 7/28/2012
it took me a really long time to pick myself back up again but i did it. and i did it so well that i forgot so much of that blackness. and i owe it all to my friends and family.
6:31 PM 7/28/2012
ermagawddd. so it’s been forever and a half since i last wrote in here even though i kind of promised that i would write on the regular. but we all know how i am with promises don’t we? anyways, i’m currently blasting britney spears in the bg for the first time in a year (probs) and it reminded me of my tumblr-ing days back when i had my equal-phase. anywho, i’m supposed to be packing right now but i don’t feel like cus i got hungry and im tired and oh yeah i got this weird ass hydrogen peroxide burn while folding my clothes so that freaked me out. packing is such a chore. i hate it. i have like a million bags full of clothing and still so much clutter in my room arghhh why am i such a pack rat?! this is going to take FOREVER!!
it’s now nearing the end of summer.. or at least it is for me. i have 3 weeks off of work due to my lease ending and our move-out date is this weekend. it’s been an eventful year here at the lofts. we’ve been through so much in this apartment and i’ve grown so much as a person. it’s seen me through my highest ups (literally and figuratively!) and my lowest heartbreaking downs. it’s seen me through my first big crush, my first kiss, my first job, my first bits of experimentation… my first hosted party, my first friendship break-ups, my first meaningful friendship “hook-ups”… when i look back on this year in the future, i’ll have so many memories to sort from. parting is always so bittersweet. this apartment emplifies my youth. my growth into a person. it’s what i’ll look back on years later and say “remember when…”. so many laughs were had, so many tears were shed, so much love was shared in this house. i am just filled with so much warmth thinking about it. i really do have amazing, beautiful, kind, & caring friends. i love them all, ultimately. i am so fortunate.
work has been going well. i have money for the first time in my life and it feels nice. the structured schedule it gave my summer definitely improved it a thousand-fold. i may whinge and whine and complain about waking up early and 9 hour work days, but truthfully, i love my job. i wouldn’t trade it for anything else. my office is amazing and funny and the people are nice and it’s just a great environment to be in. i’m really happy with it. it makes me happy.
this summer, i got really close to james. he and i are good friends now. there are times when he goes too far, or grates on my nerves, but he’s james and that’s what james does so it’s okay. i’m learning to accept people for who they are and not putting them up on pedestals. i’m learning how to say goodbye to the ones that don’t try, and hello to the ones who appreciate me. i’m maturing and it’s certaintly interesting to observe.
no updates on the love front. honestly, i’m not even trying, so i’m not surprised or upset or anything. i want to focus on myself right now, specifically, self-improvment. if i can’t love myself, how can i expect someone else to? i’ve been eating very lightly for the last month and going to the gym on a semi-regular basis. there was a point when i bought a 50$ gym membership and went every day for 2 weeks, but that kind of faded out. i was begining to have less and less time and i felt so tired after long days at work and a few hours of hanging out with friends. it seemed like my time disappeared just like that. the days certaintly flew by.
my appetite has shifted drastically. since i’ve been on this strict diet, i’ve been eating mainly salads with grilled chicken and a lot of lean protein and yogurt. i’ve been poked fun at a few times, but honestly, it doesn’t really bother me. i feel good and the weight is slipping off and that’s all that matters. i’ve lost 15 pounds in about 3 weeks just like that. i used to weigh 150 at my highest, when i came back from new york and gorged myself on everything in plain sight. but now i’m at 136 and still losing. not bad, self, not bad. ideally, i’d like to be 110-ish, so i’ve got around 25lbs left to lose. planning on hitting the gym, swimming, and skating my days away for the upcoming month! i am excited!
i’m beginning to have more confidance in the way i look. this is actually a very recent development, as it was last night that solidified my “holy crap i can actually look pretty good for a girl who feels like she’s secretly a little boy inside” thoughts. i vamped myself up for noel’s party, with the red lipstick and smoky dramatic cat eyes and damn. i looked like a completely different person. jamesie took some photos and i’m super excited to see them when they’ll be posted.
i’ve been growing out my hair. it’s still red but i’m probably going to stop dying it soon. i don’t want to because i love my red and how striking it looks, but the dye is kind of stressing my hair out since i have to re-do it every month or so due to fading. i dunno, maybe i’ll keep it anyways. it’s kind of my thing now.
i’ve got boobs too! this is also a recent development. i dunno where they came from but it’s like one day i woke up and looked down and was like “woah”. they’re still tiny by average standards, but when i wear a bra i actually kind of have cleavage and i’ve never had that before so it’s quite fascinating. sometimes, when i’m not paying attention, i catch myself just staring down my shirt until i remember that oops, normal girls don’t do that. heh heh. yay, boobs!
been trying to dress more girly-ish.. or i guess more flattering..ly… so i’ve mainly been wearing tighter v-necks to work along with skinnies and shorts and tanks out casually. it makes such a big difference to how i look and feel and how i look to other people and geez. it’s really quite fascinating.
hmm what else. i should probably go back to packing but i really don’t feel like it and once my word vomit starts, i can’t find it within myself to stop it. my muse has arrived and who am i to shut him/her/it up?!
actually i think that’s all for now. yeah, i can’t really think of anything else. i’ll write more later.
love you lots,
6:59 PM 7/28/2012
I’m giving you an out, right now
Seriously, think of how you will feel 1 hour from now, after you finish reading this get up and study for your final, do your project, or just get off the computer.
Some non-realistic but motivational advice: Everyone you hate is getting their work done and moving forward -Your crush is out meeting someone -You will get a better grade if you start studying now -Yesterday you said you would start today
by FARGO_HOOKER (via reddit.com)
Your wounds need to heal from the inside.
You crushed on a guy you don’t like, because he paid you a compliment. You reacted so well to that compliment because you’re insecure. You’re insecure because you lack self-confidence.
I would argue that you’re not developing crushes on people, because you’re not chasing the man giving you the compliment — you’re chasing the compliments themselves.
Invest a little time and energy into yourself. Work on your life goals, whatever they are, and that will do wonders for your self-worth. With a higher self-worth, these compliments will be flattering, but not special, and you can focus on the man saying the words rather than the actual words.
Or in short form: Gather approval from yourself, and you won’t be so desperate to seek it from others.
I was 15 years old and at my first big debate convention in a hotel in DC. My team hated me, so I was sitting in the lobby reading The Patton Papers. I heard voices and looked up. There, coming down the escalator was the most attractive man I had ever seen. 6’4, handsome as a movie star, and so full of confidence you could not look away. I was hooked.
Later that night, I was wandering the halls. There he was, playing a made-up board game on a paper board with those hotel conditioner and shampoo bottles. I’m a bit of a military history nerd, so as I watched I realized he was following Roman tactics. I said something of the sort (I am shocked I managed to speak at all) and he grabbed my shoulders, sat me in his chair, and told me to play as he watched. I did, and turned out to be quite good. When I looked up to see what he thought, he was gone.
Three years later and he is now one of my best friends. I ended up working with him in that same debate organization.
What attracted me to him? The way he carried himself. He looked like nothing in the world could faze him, like the world was his oyster and he owned everything he looked at. He looks into your eyes like he sees your soul. He is the most fantastic man I have ever known. He is one of those people that walks into a room, and you have to listen to what he says. He’s like that, and like looking into the sun and being dazzled by the brightness, and like a breath of air right before a storm when it tastes like lightning and energy and light.
No, I’m not still in love with him. But that is why I was.❞
4:45 PM 6/3/2012
no no no, we’re not going to tumblr this
because tumblring things makes it real
and ridiculous and an infractuation
4:45 PM 6/3/2012
7:57 PM 5/30/2012
so i kind of forgot you existed there for a little while
i think that’s a good thing though, because it means that i was actually busy with real life (for once)
but yeah.. life without tumblr is refreshingly positive. no more depressive ‘wah-wah look at me my life sux’ bullshit and pointless jealousy over rainbow-haired stick thin cookie-cutter white girls. man, tumblr is so full of shit i sometimes wonder how i even got wrapped up in it. a phase probably.
but yeah. i’m only back because a co-worker reminded me of its existence today and i decided, ‘hey, why not start writing again?’ so here i am.
it is now the end of may. i’m well into summer now, and i’ve got a steady(ish) job for the first time in my life. and you know what, i kind of like it. a lot. the people are nice, the work isn’t that difficult, and it’s good experience. like a paid internship. and even with my awkward turtle-y SAP ‘i-don’t-know-how-to-relate-to-other-humans’ shite, i think they kind of like me. i think. i dunno— i don’t want to get my hopes up or anything because i heard the way they badmouth some of the other guys in the office and man, office drama = do not want. but yeah, i finished training this week and i think i’ll be working almost full time soon. might as well, since i’m not doing much else with my summer.
i wanna save up for england and traveling and everything. cus yeah, i’m pretty serious about this. i want to turn my life around and be the one who’s actively making myself happy, rather than seeing myself as a victim of the world. so i got myself a job, i’m on a strict diet, exercising (hopefully losing 30-40 lbs this summer.. i wanna be 110 again), getting along with my friends more, eating right, waking up early, and being good to my family.. life is good right now. i just need to remember to take it easy. one day at a time. i am so young and i have so much time. no need to worry.
hm. what else…
i’m afraid i’m becoming a bit obsessive over my diet and weight, but it worked last time and it’s not like im not eating at all so i should be good. i’m watching what i eat and counting calories like crazy but i’m eating right and attempting stay active so. things are looking up.
um. the stuff at work makes me realize just how horribly socially awkward i am. the people at work are goofy and accepting and pretty talkative and even then, i can’t muster up the ability to be me. to be normal. why?? this is not cool, body. but it’s not like i can control any of this so whatever. hopefully with time, i’ll get better.
anyways. so this summer is looking really good and i’m really happy about that. of course, there are a few blemishes here and there but nothing is ever perfect so i’m content as is.
to sum things up, i’m hoping to get a lot accomplished this year rather than staying at home and rotting my brain on the internet. i want to do well at work, get a bunch of hours and experience under my belt, lose a shit-ton of weight (baggage weight, i call it.. or depression weight. misery weight? you get the picture), become more active, be good to my body, learn how to skate better (cus i suck), take initiative, start putting myself out there a bit more, talk to people, start learning the guitar (at least 30 minutes a day!!), drawing, reading, and just having fun.
i’ve been watching breaking bad recently and oh geez i have the biggest crush on jesse pinkman. it is ridiculous. he is an idiot. why do you do this to me, self??
and that is all for today then. i currently have mgmt on replay and i took a 2 hour bath today cus my legs are killing me (they’re all wobbly and stuff. not used to working out i guess!) and i need to go fix tomorrow’s lunch. and i think after that i’ll just browse tumblr a little more and pass out. gotta be up at 5am tomorrow to work out!
okay so yeah. i think you’re pretty much up-to-date now.
peace out tumbla’
oh ps. i went on a fishing trip last weekend. it was ok. i took awesome photos so there was that, at least.
8:14 PM 5/30/2012
8:34 PM 5/13/2012
i spent the whole of last week wishing to be back at my apartment again. to have my own freedom and to escape from the constant nagging of my parents. and today, i got that.
and just now, i woke up to a quiet, empty apartment and a dark room and the first thing i thought about was my mother and i was lonely.
maybe it’s best if we don’t get what we always think we want.
i take everything for granted. i’m still such a silly child. when will i grow up?
thinking back on it now, for those past two weeks, i had the constant companionship of my dog. i would dread the coming of the afternoon, because that was when everyone came home and i enjoyed the freedom of a quiet, empty house in the daytime. or so i thought. now that i’m here on my own, i’m reminded quite strongly of how lonely i was during the school year and how precious that little time is with my family.
when you think about it, the choice is obvious. a student, on their own, stranded in an empty apartment with no friends and nothing to do? or being at home, with a constant adoring companion, and a loving family? the choice is obvious.
i feel guilty. i’m beginning to look forward to going home.
why do i always end up messing everything up? just forget everyone else, do what makes you happy. forget them, forget them all. they don’t matter. i do. please remember that.
8:41 PM 5/13/2012